How present are we really?

Have you ever found yourself half-listening to a friend while scrolling through your phone, or glancing at the clock when you are supposed to be spending “quality” time together? In many ways, being truly present with others—mentally, bodily, and emotionally—has become more complicated than it should be. As an integrative psychotherapist, I frequently talk with young people about what it means to be “present” in everyday life, and the conversations are as engaging as they are challenging.

WHAT DOES “PRESENCE” MEAN SOCIALLY?

In a nutshell, “presence” is about giving your full attention to the moment and the person or people with whom you are interacting. It sounds simple, but in reality, we’re dealing with an ongoing battle against endless stimuli: social media updates, text messages, videos, and group chats. Research in psychotherapy (e.g., Geller & Greenberg, 2012) suggests that the quality of our attention—how calm, open, and attuned we are—significantly influences the perceived meaningfulness of our connections. Whether you’re chatting online or face-to-face, presence is that warm sense of being truly heard and genuinely hearing the other person as well.

WHY DOES IT MATTER?

For starters, when we are present with each other, we can pick up on subtle emotional cues—such as facial expressions, tone of voice, and body language. These nonverbal signals build empathy and trust. Without genuine presence, we end up with superficial “connections” that might check a box but leave us feeling hollow in the long run. Studies in social psychology highlight that authentic engagement—even in brief moments—often leads to a deeper connection (Brown, 2022). On the flip side, a half-hearted presence can lead to misunderstandings, making us feel ignored or invalidated. In reality, this can feel like being hurt especially in interpersonal relationships without recognising how you may have contributed to the situation.

THE DIGITAL DILEMMA

Ironically, technology designed to keep us “connected” can weaken our presence. It is easier to leave notifications on and let them interrupt than to endure awkward silence or show genuine vulnerability. Although society often opposes vulnerability, sometimes seen as a display of weakness, it is essential for the ability to be truly present. For many young people, “being present” might mean risking feeling left out on social media. But it’s worth asking: If we’re constantly updated on what’s trending, are we missing out on the life unfolding right in front of us?

HOW MUCH PRESENCE IS “ENOUGH”?

There’s no single perfect approach. Some recommend pure mindfulness—solely focusing on one stimulus at a time. Others promote “grocery-store presence”—meaning even everyday tasks can become chances for genuine connection (like noticing a friend’s mood change while simply grabbing some snacks). The key point is intentionality: tiny moments of genuine presence accumulate, whether that’s setting your phone aside during a five-minute chat or genuinely making eye contact instead of checking your notifications.

A CRITICAL LOOK

Of course, being present can be quite a complex process. Constantly trying to be “fully there” can cause a feeling of pressure. Young people, including those in their early twenties, often struggle to balance family expectations, school demands, part-time jobs, and social responsibilities. Sometimes, we need to ease up on intense focus to rest or recharge.

Emotional safety and healthy boundaries are crucial: being with someone you don’t trust or who treats you poorly can cause more harm than good. In therapy, we recognise both the power and the limits of presence—too little can make relationships superficial, while too much too soon can be overwhelming if trust and readiness aren’t established. But then, issues such as anxiety, depression, frustrations, and trauma, including neglect and pain (a discussion for another day), hinder individuals from the emotional and, in some cases, physical safety needed to enable presence.

FINDING YOUR BALANCE

Perhaps the most valuable tip is to develop self-awareness. Ask yourself: “When do I feel genuinely connected? When am I just going through the motions?” An integrated approach views presence not as an all-or-nothing thing but as a skill we cultivate. Sometimes, a brief moment of focused listening is all that is needed. At other times, deeper engagement is necessary to foster a genuinely trusting bond.

MOVING FORWARD

Being present is both an art and a choice. If you feel that you’re missing out on genuine interactions—online or offline—try gradually changing your habits. Start by silencing notifications during a friend’s story or give your own emotions a moment of uninterrupted reflection. Small steps can reshape how you share space with others and how you connect with yourself.

Ultimately, presence is about caring enough to genuinely show up for others — whoever you have chosen that to be— and allowing them to do the same for you. In a world full of distractions, it’s worth asking: Is simply being there enough, or do I seek something more meaningful from the time I spend with someone? From my experience as an integrative therapist, you might be pleasantly surprised by the new depth you can create in friendships, family bonds, and even virtual spaces — when authentic presence becomes part of your daily life.

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REFERENCES IN CONTEXT

• Brown, B. (2022). The gifts of imperfection: Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you are. Simon and Schuster.

• Geller, S. M., & Greenberg, L. S. (2012). Therapeutic Presence: A Mindful Approach to Effective Therapy. American Psychological Association.

Thank you for stopping by my blog—and for being here, mindfully! If you have any insights about how presence affects your own relationships, please don’t hesitate to get in touch. Let’s reason together to create deeper connections that genuinely support our growth and well-being.